35+ of the Freshest and Funniest Tweets of the Week (September 21, 2024)

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  • 01
    slate @PleaseBeGneiss i love it when i stump the IT guy. aha you thought this would be a quick ticket. just remote in, click one button, and make me look like a fool. but things up more than you alas, i have could've imagined 10:50 AM 9/5/24 1.9M Views 8.3K Reposts 487 Quotes
  • 02
    Ashland @BravesAshland I just found out a married couple I know doesn't have assigned cars. Like they have 2 cars.. but one isn't his and hers... they just wake up every morning and grab whatever set of keys and go??? That's the craziest thing I've ever heard in all my lives???? 9:03 AM 9/5/24 12M Views 9.1K Reposts 3.8K Quotes
  • 03
    M.E @Emmys Told my 56-year-old coworker that I'm a bit anti- social and he said "yeah I noticed that about you, you don't necessarily light up a room" 1:14 PM 9/5/24.8.2M Views 16K Reposts 2.8K Quotes
  • 04
    Allie @Cluffalo These infographics don't work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn't as bad as I thought 17 DONUTS = THIS ONE COFFEE DRINK! Dunkin' Donuts Pumpkin Swirl Frozen Coffee with Cream 32 oz. 187 GRAMS OF SUGAR 183 GRAMS OF SUGAR DUNKIN
  • 05
    nobody from nowhere @ctizzie honestly thought i was looking at a screencap from The Sims KTLA 5 KTLA @KTLA. 1d #BREAKING: Police are investigating an armed break-in in Bel-Air trib.al/kkEw3UI POLICE 5 2:04 PM 9/6/24 2M Views 7K Reposts 48 Quotes 110K Likes 1.8K Bookmarks
  • 06
    Chappell Ellison @ChappellTracker It is absolutely wild to see the consequences of millennials entering peak buying power Rumrats sweke DRINKELODEON. silver rum lime malbec syrup orange essence Pineapple under the tea cucumber jalapeno tequila pineapple blue curacao lime blueberry tea Rocco's Modern Rye rye sweet vermouth montenegro chocolate bitters toasted marshmallow CLASSICS 14 MEXICAN FIRING SQUAD tequila, lime, grenadine, angostura bitters THE MULE vodka, lime, ginger beer, mint GOLD RUSH
  • 07
    CM @conormurrayTM how many killers are in that building omg Pop Base @PopBase. 1d 'Only Murders In The Building' has been renewed for Season 5. ONLY MURDERS IN THE BUILDING 2:18 PM 9/4/24 8.9M Views •
  • 08
    tweet davidson @andykreed weddings should have a worst man 9:21 PM 8/31/24 994K Views 1.8K Reposts 451 Quotes 30K Likes 561
  • 09
    Hurt CoPain @Saeed DiCaprio leonardo dicaprio just switched to bing Pop Base @PopBase - 22h Google turns 26. Google 5:26 PM 9/4/24 15M Views
  • 10
    trash jones @jzux cover letters are so embarrassing. why am i writing a love letter to this email job 12:53 PM 9/5/24 2.9M Views • 8.5K Reposts 292 Quotes
  • 11
    emily may ❤ @emilykmay my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home...which meant that "cotton eyed joe" began blasting right as the mom began to push 1:29 PM 8/30/24 465K Views 335 Reposts 70 Quotes 14K Likes 361 Bookmarks
  • 12
    Ethan @chonkyleclerc better be toe curling OS Os Orlando Sentinel @orlandosenti.... 12/12/22 Goofy's head goes for $19,000 at auction trib.al/ e4xS1E4 12:58 AM 9/2/24 146 Views
  • 13
    octave @curtofranklin i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it 8:39 PM 8/30/24 144K Views 417 Reposts 27 Quotes 7.6K Likes 94 Bookmarks
  • 14
    Matt Goldich @MattGoldich Gonna go to his funeral just to use the bathroom NEW YORK POST New York Post @nypost .4d Leonard Riggio, who built Barnes & Noble into largest US bookstore chain, dies at 83 trib.al/ Ztl60sd SUPPENED FREDDH WOW CENT NEON 4:11 PM 8/31/24 141K Views NEED RODIN CLINTO
  • 15
    Terrible Maps → @TerribleMaps Map of Europe Reykjavík 7:01 AM 8/30/24 454K Views • 482 Reposts 34 Quotes 14K Likes 182 Bookmarks
  • 16
    Eze+ @KingEbu_ Insane stuff to witness in real-time POPEYES LOUISIANA KITCHEN argument over Popeyes chicken sandwich By Madeline Holcombe and Rebekah Riess, CNN Updated 9:56 PM EST, Tue November 05, 2019 Opeye Red Bull Racing F1 Fan Account @Flyo....2d The 2019 Chicken Sandwich Wars was monumental son 10:14 PM 8/30/24 6.9M Views
  • 17
    TORONTO EVERYBO Mike Beauvais @MikeBeauvais APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people. NETFLIX: We're excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera. 8:39 AM 9/1/24 1.9M Views •
  • 18
    The author, Séamas O'Reilly @shockproofbeats In college, Chevy Chase played drums in a jazz- rock trio called Leather Canary. Seeing no future in it, he quit to go off and become a globally successful comic actor. The remaining members decided to keep going as a duo, but changed their name to Steely Dan. Pop Base @PopBase. 5d Name your favorite celebrity fact. 5:33 PM 8/31/24 2.6M Views 1.7K Reposts 128 Quotes 40K Likes 3.1K Bookmarks
  • 19
    maya @allmychampagne I said I had a crush on him and Katelyn goes "literally maya walk into any Best Buy" report The DWTS Report @dwtsreport - 8/22/24 Olympic Gymnast Stephen Nedoroscik has joined the cast of Dancing with the Stars for Season 33! #DWTS #DWTSonGMA PARIS 20 PARIS 2024 8:45 PM 8/30/24 -3.7M Views 2.7K Reposts 201 Quotes 108K Likes 2K Bookmarks
  • 20
    That Blame Guy @ImToBlame All women no matter income/age act the same on social media after that breakup. jlo @JLo⚫ 19h Oh, it was a summer 8:52 PM 8/31/24 7.5M Views she's in bloom and unbothered out of reach and at peace
  • 21
    nine @Atlanticesque Irish Catholics: No, you'll never understand. Catholicism is a weight on the spirit, a rotting guilt that eats at one's soul. It's to be soaked in one's own blood forevermore... Italian Catholics: Yea you get to do bad stuff but the priest forgives you so it's all good • 6:25 PM 8/31/24 770K Views 1.2K Reposts 205 Quotes 24K Likes 2K Bookmarks
  • 22
    TaraBull @TaraBull808 What is Depeche mode? How do I set the washing machine? A t-shirt 10:41 What are you washing? 10:41 1041 What does it say on the t-shirt? Depeche Mode 10:41 10:41 10:00 PM 8/31/24 - 299K Views • 367 Reposts 63 Quotes 6.1K Likes 169 Bookmarks
  • 23
    FESS Fesshole HOLE @fesshole The other day a number of people at work told me that I had a lovely healthy glow about me and had caught the sun a little. I was far too embarrassed to tell them it was actually a rather uncomfortable eczema flare up 10:25 AM 8/30/24 176K Views 13 Reposts 3 Quotes 1.1K Likes 10 Bookmarks
  • 24
    Adam @adamgreattweet if you can't find a man on a dating app, store bought is fine WOW of the Week! Assorted Husbands $14.98 Great Deals 8:16 PM 8/30/24 25K Views 72 Reposts 13 Quotes 499 Likes 6 Bookmarks
  • 25
    Kayleigh Donaldson @Ceilidhann Adrien Brody bought a castle for him and girlfriend Elsa Pataky to live in. They showed it off in a 35-page spread for Hello magazine. Then she dumped him to marry Chris Hemsworth. EXCLUSIVE PRUTUS AND INTERVIEW ADRIEN BRODY SURPRISES HIS ACTRESS LOVE A PATAKY WITH A DREAM CASTLE' ane 0221 Adrien was single too...it was fate Pop Base ✔ @PopBase 4d Name your favorite celebrity fact. 6:14 AM 8/31/24 3.9M Views • The first time The was complete He Hild her she's the l
  • 26
    อ в @Cyb4rAnGeL putting “reddit” at the end of every question i have on google cuz i will never trust an Al i need John from 13 years ago that has the same problem as me to solve it. 10:10 AM 9/6/24 1M Views • 6.7K Reposts 244 Quotes
  • 27
    Tommy Bayer @tommybayertime I wonder how long you could drive in a roundabout before a cop would be like hey you can't do that anymore 8:03 PM 6/17/24 10M Views • 18K Reposts 1K Quotes 362K Likes 8K Bookmarks
  • 28
    will @siteprotagonist poly people are NOT waking up at 8 am Tori Thee Goddess ❤ @ComfyGoddess. 2d MONOGAMY POLYAMORY GOOD MORNING CHUBBY HAVE A GREAT DAY BAE! $900090* 8:00 8:00 MORNING BEAUTIFUL MORNIGN HONEY! MORNING MY LOVE :** *WAKE UP, SWEETIE! LOVE U, PUPPY :D O O 11:29 AM 9/5/24 2.6M Views OELS COMICS
  • 29
    Large ⭑ @LargeBarstool Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction? Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky. 581 MILES DIES
  • 30
    Martin Pilgrim @MartinPilgrim1 My favourite part of The Godfather is when the guy wakes up and screams because the Mafia has stolen the bottom half of the horse he keeps in his bed. 11:46 AM 9/4/22 1.3K Reposts 24 Quotes 16K Likes 225 Bookmarks
  • 31
    Queen LaDeefa, JD @It Aint_ME DID YALL JUST TELL THE WORLD THIS MAN HAS CHLAMYDIA?!???? The Hogs Probs @TheHogs Probs. 1d BREAKING : Per Sources, Oklahoma State RB Ollie Gordon II is out (chlamydia) for Saturdays game against Arkansas. 3:30 PM 9/5/24 6M Views KLAHOMA STATE wal Sight
  • 32
    Alan @alan406mt ... welcome to Montana TO ups InfoNotice # 9438 1301 554 6 Sorry we missed you... Track your package(s) at ups.com using the UPS InfoNotice receipt number (provided above), or see the back for more details. Free delivery alerts! ups.com/join DATE PACKAGE(S) FROM Package(s) will be delivered to a UPS Access Point location on the next UPS delivery day typically by 1 p.m. IS YOUR PACKAGE THERE YET? Track your UPS InfoNotice number at ups.com to confirm availability prior to pick LOC
  • 33
    Austine @theereal_one 2010 WiLL SANTINO Jenni @hashjenni. 1d People Born in 1990-2005, how's life? • 7:49 PM 9/6/24 10M Views
  • 34
    Dalton Kates @Dalton_Kates As a fantasy football punishment my friend has to stay at a bar that opens at 6 AM and doesn't close until 2 AM For every drink he has during his stay, 30 minutes gets taken off the total time he can leave. Stay tuned for live updates throughout the day • 9:10 AM 9/7/24 3.7M Views 2.3K Reposts 881 Quotes
  • 35
    TOIDLEZ @booyakabungala i love the reasonings behind why each ninja turtle have their weapon Most destructive weapon for the calmest Defensive weapon for the most aggressive Ninja Turtles Simplest weapon for the most creative Most complicated weapon for the most absent-minded
  • 36
    zsa/zsa/gabortion @zsazsagabortion omg that's like their beyoncé @twaniimals 1d Beagle puppies rescued from a medical testing facility got to meet Snoopy.
  • 37
    Sabrina Little ✪ @sabrinablittle "I am exhausted." *runs 11 miles* "Alright, now I feel better." 11:12 AM - 9/7/24 40K Views 41 Reposts 10 Quotes 767 Likes
  • 38
    Talbu @Whotfismick The real "hey God it's me again" 2:00 PM 9/3/24 11M Views 1K Reposts 506 Quotes 8.6K Likes 446 Bookmarks

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